Be Courageous

Complaining comes so quick...so easy... it's ridiculous.

(and there I go again)

I find myself caught up in my woes, my misery, and all the ways I've been wronged instead of counting my blessings and paying attention to the grandeur that surrounds me.

This week, as one thing piled on top of another, was no exception.

I was tired.
I was emotionally drained.
And work just plain sucked.

Then, I reached out to a friend who reminded me...

I am not alone.

Love,

me

Stop them.

In January, I told a handful of people (perhaps more) I wished I were dead, I would kill myself if something didn't change...that I was serious.

I believe I --was-- serious.

Thankfully, lots of things changed because no one who knew [whom I'd spoken to] tried to stop me.

That's scary.  Really, really scary.

It turns out, the medication I'd been taking for nearly half a year can [and did] cause suicidal thoughts.

I can see that now.

I can also see how hopeless life must seem to someone who feels like death would be better...and no one reaches out to stop them.

Stop them.

Love,
me

Resolute

Resolute
   determined; firm of purpose

I embark on this new year much the same as I embark on each new day.  I am determined.  I am firm of purpose.  I [certainly] have wishes and desires but I believe I want nothing more today than I wanted yesterday - to live each moment as it presents itself and to appreciate it for what it is.

Moment
      by moment,

breath

by

breath,

here          and

now.

I shall enjoy this life

-as it is-

because
          it is mine
and

it is beautiful.

Love,
me

A Changing Landscape

Change bothers me - uprooting my emotional nervous system at its core.  For decades, I have coveted those who drape themselves in spontaneity, rolling with the punches gracefully and with flair.

Me?

I don't roll with anything [punchy or otherwise].

Launch something on me in the spur of the moment and I can promise you I'll entertain the idea for a different moment and a better time.

This strikes me as incredibly odd for someone who will soon be able to say she has lived in five houses in five years.  Okay, one of them was a hideous apartment but, if you ask me, hideous apartments count double.  With each move and every new address I tell myself it's okay and I can do it because it will bring me one step closer back to where I started...back to Texas...back to where my soul belongs.

Change.

We can't escape it.

Much like the landscape changes with each raindrop, gust of wind, or speck of dust, we also change.  No landscape is ever exactly the same from moment to moment even though it may look that way from afar.

I believe I am a landscape.

Perhaps then, change is beautiful.

Yes?

Gratitude

Gratitude n. acknowledgement of having received something good from another: the state of being thankful.

First known use - 1523
           Most recent use - right here, right now.

15.  All of his names sound super cool - No matter my mood, the occasion, or the place.  Ben, Benjamin, Babe, Sir, Mr. Sides, Captain Sides, My Love, Mr. Amazing...

14.  He is smarter than me but never talks about it.

13.  He sings [ALL] the words to "I'm Elmo and I know it."

12.  He has his own recipes.

11.  He can give all five girls pigtails before I decide between the blue t-shirt or the green t-shirt.

10.  He knows how to make a spreadsheet.

9.  He's humble.

8.  He never forgets to brush his teeth.

7.  His eyes actually sparkle.

6.  He was not eaten by the shark (although his Red Snapper was).

5.  He's the guy who made all the mechanical monkeys sing in the Target display.

4.  He loves Mexican food more than I do.

3.  I can trust him [and I do].

2.  Sarcasm.

1.  Loving [and being loved by] him is the greatest thing I have ever done.

Thank you, Ben, for being who I need, want, and love.

I love you.

Love,
Me

Begin Again

I was just about to give up the day I met him.

I drove him to my favorite cafe for dinner [on a Wednesday].

I remember laughing more than I ever had.

I think I knew then [I'd found my soulmate}.

Love,
Me





...you throw your head back laughing
like a little kid

I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause
                                                                    he never did

I've been spending the last eight months
thinking all love ever does is

break

               and burn

and end

but on a Wednesday in a cafe
                                          I watched it begin again.

Broken

I am broken.

Tell me how to be whole.

Tell me how to be the person I once thought I was.

Failure

Failure.

Definition of failure

noun

• 1lack of success:an economic policy that is doomed to failurethe failures of his policies
• an unsuccessful person, enterprise, or thing:bad weather had resulted in crop failures

• 2the omission of expected or required action:their failure to comply with the basic rules
• a lack or deficiency of a desirable quality:a failure of imagination

• 3the action or state of not functioning:symptoms of heart failurean engine failure
• a sudden cessation of power.
• the collapse of a business.

Origin:

mid 17th century (originally as failer, in the senses 'nonoccurrence' and 'cessation of supply'): from Anglo-Norman French failer for Old French faillir (see fail)

That pretty much sums me up in a nutshell these days.

Love,
me

Our Summer Vacation

In February, I vowed to be more aware of my everyday.  I also vowed to snap pictures again.

Turns out, we Sides know how to cram all sorts of fun into summertime.  We're so good at it, I found over seven hundred photographs in my computer from June to now...

What does a person do with so many photos?

They make a photo book, of course!

Click here to view this photo book larger

Turn your favorite photos into a photo book at Shutterfly.com.

Live your days.

Love, 

Me

I Want To Give You More

It still boggles my mind that Ruth is nine years old.

Today, she sent me a text message while I was at work.

"I sent you an email."

About five minutes later, it was followed by another one.

"Read it."

This is what my nine year old had to say today:

The message may appear simple.  Some may only believe she's described a picture she created just for me.  I see someone who pays attention to the little things...who sees beyond walls I've built... who holds on to her past.

I wonder if she realizes how much more I wish I could give her.

She certainly deserves it.

Love,

Me

What I Know For Sure

"I close my eyes, turn inward, and breathe until I can sense the still, small space inside me that is the same as the stillness in you and in the trees, and in all things.  I breathe until I can feel this space expand and fill me.  Then...I smile at the wonder of it all."
                                      --Oprah Winfrey

I read something the other day that struck me with the energy of a lightning bolt.  Terry Tempest Williams wrote an essay about discovering her mother's journals [diaries] after she'd passed away only to discover they were blank.

I don't want my legacy to be empty pages.

If I am the only one who can be held responsible for filling them - Then perhaps, I ought to write.  Yes?

Yes.

That's all for today.

Love,
Me

Yes. This is it (exactly).

I don't have much to say today.  It's okay, I've found a song that speaks for me.

Ben,
This song was written for us.  Listen.  You hear it too, don't you?  I know you do.  You mean so much I don't know what to do.
I love you.
Love,
me

Wavy Baby
by JD Feighner: Sundays at 1620

You're always there to let me know that it's going to be okay
When you're in my arms I know it's true
You're always there to ease my mind and
                                                      get me through the day
You mean so much I don't know what to do

Cause I love you
and right now I want to
      hold you
to make everything alright
and one thing too
yes, right now I want to
feel you
     right here by my side

Cause the one thing I want you to
  understand
is that I
         love you
it's that I need you

I love the way you whisper in my
                                              ear when we're in bed
I love it when you're with me in my dreams
you let me say I'm beautiful
time and time again
And when you smile I feel I can do anything

Cause I love you
and right now I want to 
      hold you
to make everything all right
and one thing too
Yes right now I want to
feel you
right here by my side
cause the one thing I want you to
                    understand
is that I 
     love you
It's that I need you

I can watch you all night long with flowers on your neck
I could be there all night long rocking with you baby
Now I'm making this your song
to show you that I care
And that I need you so
because you're my wavy baby.

And I love you
and right now I want to
     hold you
to make everything alright.

and one thing too
Yes, right now I want to feel you
      right here by my side
cause the one thing I want you to
                              understand
is that I
    love you

It's that I need you

It feels so right to hold you tight
[to]pluck your strings and make you sing
it feels so right to hold you tight
[to]pluck your strings and make you sing

you will never know how much I love you
you will never know how much I need you
you will never know how much I love you
you will never know how much I need you

cause I love you

You will never know....

Feels so right to hold you tight

You will never know how much I love you.

Pages

Two days ago, I handed my twenty-two year old niece an empty journal.  She opened it, fanned the pages, then looked up at me quizzically.

"The pages are empty..." she said, not understanding they were meant to be that way.

I sighed and said, "I guess that means you need The Lesson."  Then I pulled open a drawer and began stacking some of my books on the table.

You see that book at the bottom of the stack?  This is what I found written on the eleventh page:

From Hobby        
January 27, 2008

"You have this draw on people, Paula...use it.  Write your book and know the freedom that I have let go by countless times... This, I wish for you.

You touch this world wonderfully.  Your last blog, "Hearts Aren't Perfect," touched many.  Through your work, Ruthie, and your blog you have made this world better.  You have the ability to brighten a room... I even copied one of your pictures so I could see that smile anytime I needed uplifting.

I'm rambling.  Thank you, Paula - for everything.


Then, on page twenty-three...

October 10, 2007

I picked up my journal to write today even though I'd rather sleep.  Sadness drowns out any happiness I've built up.

I feel so insignificant.

(waiting for the midnight show at Alamo Drafthouse)

The old man plays solitaire on his laptop, drinking tea from a styrofoam cup.

At the table behind me, a young girl talks about God and prayers, and the boy she keeps on the side because she's still afraid of being lonely.  When I turn to adjust my chair I realize her companion tonight is an old man with a Book of Mormon.

My socks have turquoise stripes on them.



--

I write.
I record.
I live.

(and some days, I believe it goes the other way around)

I live.
I record.
I write.

Regardless, I have words that speak to me when I've forgotten where I'm supposed to go.  For that, I am thankful.  My wish for you is that you find the voice meant for you.

Love,
Me

True Loves

I have found the one whom my soul loves."  Song of Solomon 3:4

Happy birthday.  You've brightened our lives in more dimensions than I could ever conceive or imagine.

Love,

Me

To My Love

I may not spend all the moments of every day with him, my love, yet... he has never left my side. I feel him even when he is thousands of miles away and I know he feels me too.

The letter I wrote to him on our anniversary:

February 24, 2012

I love you.
(Happy Anniversary)

Being married to you is sort of like Christmas - how do you celebrate anniversaries and such when every day feels like it should be celebrated?

I mean that...

(anyhow)

I'm scared and I am sad because the more I think about Saturday...

...the more I realize, it could have been anyone - just change one factor here and one factor there and

well...

-- it could have been anyone --

So tell me what I'm supposed to do if Saturday would have happened to me?

You are my whole world... my WHOLE world.

I need you.

Love,
me




I married Ben
             on a cool February morning,

        (a blue sky day)

in a small chapel

carved

from the Texas

hillside.

          (history)

There was

just enough

    b  r  e  e  z  e

to
 blow my hair

     and

not

   a

single

cloud

-t-o-   -d-i-s-g-u-i-s-e-

the sun.

Alchemy

Alchemy...

One of my favorite words.

Why?

Because I am fascinated with the notion of taking common, regular things and turning them into something extraordinary.

 [People, mostly]

I told one of my students I can find the awesome in anyone and I really believe I can.




I was going to write about that today until...

.
 .  .
    .  .  .

Johnny came by to visit for our regular Thursday chat.

Johnny was telling me how he'd been reading the book I gave him, with his little brother, at night.  Well, how he had been until the lights got turned off.
     "Turned off?"
"...We got them turned back on though so I can start reading again even if it's dark out."

I told him I was glad before asking him where he and his brother like to read.

"Oh, we usually read in the living room that doesn't have any furniture!" he told me with a broad smile.

Johnny lives in a mobile home near school.
Mobile homes, like his, rarely have enough living rooms for one to be empty and one to be full so I asked, "Why doesn't your living room have any furniture?"

"We couldn't afford the payments so they had to come and take it. I miss it.  The couch was striped just like a Zebra and it was my favorite!"

I told him a zebra couch sounded pretty neat and would probably be my favorite too.  Then I asked him if they still had their new beds.

He told me they did.  And they still had their new sheets and blankets too.  Only...

"They aren't new though..."

"No?"

"No, my mom bought them from someone over by Church's Chicken.  My sisters bed has writing all over it [that came with it] and my brother's bed has blood stains."

"Blood stains?  Did your mom clean it up or buy him a new mattress?"

"We just flipped it [his mattress] over, it's fine now - except for the part where the dog always pees."



---------------sigh---------------------------



I wish I could say this little boy is an exception - that I've never had a conversation like ours but, unfortunately, the things we discussed today are what make him just like all the others.

.     .     .     a      l     l

           the

                     others.

Two weeks ago, I was telling Johnny how important it is to "RUN inside when people start shooting."  How "It is NEVER safe to keep playing outside when guns are going off."  That "living kids are a lot more fun than not living ones."

You know, they come to school and we get frustrated with them...impatient...angry even.  Because they aren't focused, don't take us seriously, or do things that endanger themselves and their classmates.

(but)

They come to school.

Where someone

           has got to teach them

They are valuable,
They are incredible,
They are powerful,

...They can succeed.

And that

     my friends

is why I wake up

e v e r y    s i n g l e   d a y

and

go to school.



Love,
me

Oh, Look What the Sun Did!

I won't lie.




A friend shared this song today and 


           seeing as they were sharing, I didn't mind at all




taking it with me.




Especially, since I fell in love with it.








It's the sort of song


           that makes      y  o  u  r     s  k  y

turn blue.




Love,
me

Secrets

I had no idea... 
     the impact 
Frank Warren would have 
on me, 
   my thoughts,
my decisions
             [ my      turn    of      mood ]
when I first read
his 
      secrets.





I'm glad I had no idea or I may not have been so willing.  
Sometimes
Secrets
Can be
Amazing
Breathtaking
Life
     AltERing
Things.


Love,
me

Indivisible

Indivisible

Not divisible; incapable of being divided, separated, or broken;

not separable into parts. 

Not capable of exact division, as one quantity by another;

 incommensurable. 

That which is indivisible. 

An infinitely small quantity which is assumed to admit of no further division.

Love,

me